Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Losing someone close to you.

Hello & Welcome!

Good morning! Todays post isn't going to be a very happy one but it's something I feel will help me write down in a safe place. I've never been one of these people that writes huge things about their life and everything that makes them sad all over annoys me! But I want to write this on here so I can carry on with my day.

Today, January 28th, marks the anniversary of my dads death.
Since it's 2015 that means it has been 16 years. I was only 6 when he died, so he's been gone for the majority of my life, and for some reason I feel like I have no right to feel sad on this day. This blog post is just to explain why.

I touched upon the reason I feel like this on my instagram account this morning. Mainly it's because I don't remember him very well. I am often confused in my mind whether a thought I have is my own memory, or something I've been told so many times that I think it's my memory.
Don't get me wrong I absolutely love hearing stories about him. If people didn't tell me things then I may have nothing at all!

I often feel really jealous. Even resentful. I really don't want to feel like this but it just happens.

This is something I really hate to admit because it makes me feel like I'm a really awful person but a lot of this resentment I feel is directed towards my dads other daughter, my half sister. I feel this every time she posts something about Dad on her facebook! She, unlike me, is one of these people that finds it easy to post every detail of her life on her facebook, and around this time of year she posts a lot of statuses about dads death.

Don't get me wrong, she has every right to do this! She was older than me and I'm very aware that she is hurting. It's a flaw in myself more than a flaw in her.
It's a really hard thing to explain. I think I dislike the fact that she actually has something to write about him on this day.

She can list all the things she misses and tell people the memories she has of them doing things together...the things he would say, the sound of his laughter, the way he felt when he hugged her.
I don't have any of that.
I can't remember any of that.
I have no memory that particularly sticks out in my mind.

It truly makes me feel less of a daughter. And I think I resent her because I just wish that she didn't remember so much because it feels UNFAIR. I don't feel like its fair that she, and everyone else remembers so much and I remember so little.

But how selfish is that?! OF COURSE, I don't want them to forget him! I really don't. I feel like I wish they didn't remember him so much, but the truth is I wish I remembered him more.
But it's easier for me to resent them than it is to admit that I feel guilty for not remembering.

It's a really difficult thing that I really cannot explain.
I just wish I had of had longer with him, so that I could have some memories too. 

 When everyone else is feeling sad today, thinking of their memories and the things that they miss about him, I spend the day feeling sad because I wish I had something I could say that I miss about him.
And I truly don't know which of these is worse.
Believe me though, not having anything to miss, doesn't make me miss him any less. I miss him every day. I wonder what could have been if he was still here, and what my life would be like.
You don't need memories of person to miss them.
You can just miss them because of what you have lost.

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